Sanity

I was contemplating how to derive an ethical system from first principles today.

It's a difficult proposition, but I got a few ideas from it, mostly that any ethical system derived from first principles wouldn't have much similarity to Judeo-Christian ethics.

For example, instead of "You ought not to steal", the ethic becomes "You ought not to steal in a way that will negatively affect you".

This actually works out better, because the truth is that by living in a first world nation, we've inherited too many unethical systems for the judeo-christian system to stand. Every country has some genocide or injustice to account for in the past, and western society actually depends explicitly on the exploitation and murder of people around the world to maintain their standard of living -- far more people die or are living in our subjugation than are supported by the current system, thus standard ethical systems tend to break down when you apply reality to them as well.

However, some things come away much clearer as well. For example, one ought to tell the truth and believe the truth, and seek the truth, because the physical world which holds it doesn't change because of a lie. Thus, one must try to achieve the truth would like, rather than lie to themselves or others about what reality actually is..

Our society's ethic is wanked.

The "lost VISA" episode finally reached it's conclusion today, as I unhappily dug up the 180 dollars to get my phone and internet paid back up (Amazing to think-- that's only two months worth of the stuff!). This means that almost everyone but two groups who want money from me for some reason or another are paid up(The government needs theirs sooner rather than later, because I don't feel like losing my license, even if it IS a license not to drive). My first paycheque is all but gone, and I may not get it for another 2 weeks. The sooner the better. I've been trying my best, I've been using all my facilities to keep things up to speed, but my graduation is a bittersweet time. The final dollars of liquid currency I have available have dissappeared, and it's only a few unexpected influxes keeping me from missing something important.

The biggest irony is that I'm missing school for the fact that it did a good job of helping me ignore my deepening situation. After 16 hours in the lab, You'll be lucky to stumble onto the last bus so you don't have to walk the many kilometers home -- I didn't always make it. It's much easier in those cases to not even recognise the outside world. This isn't a problem when you're working -- indeed, not noticing the outside world is a great way to SAVE money, and end up with all your bills paid and a truckload of money in the bank. When you're working super hard day after day, you've got way more money than bills, you're hardly spending anything because all you do is work, and you're actually putting some cash in the bank. I, on the other hand, was spending money the whole time -- allowing a plan I created months and months ago reach it's natural conclusion. In reality, I ended up running out of capital at a time close to where I would have been 'almost' running out of capital if it weren't for that 500 dollar hit after the robbery.

The one nice thing about my current situation is that there isn't THAT much to kill off yet month-to-month. My single largest problem is this month. There are tonnes of different organizations demanding money, and the need to keep enough liquid currency to quench them all is the major problem. In truth, it would take a long long time, but I think I could even start to pay things back at a fairly impressive clip for a guy on minimum wage. Well, I could if I didn't eat, or if I only ate ramen all the time. If things don't look up soon, maybe I'll be forced to start taking that into consideration as my future decides to wait longer and longer to arrive. A phone call or an e-mail from Tolko and all this goes away, and I run off to begin a future.

And they wonder why I was so nervous at the interview! You'd have to be DEAD not to be nervous about something so incredible as the end of wage-slavery, and the beginning of a career which will allow me to take my present and future and direct it on a day to day basis!

My brother also comes into this. He said he wants to come with me. He wasn't lying: He really doesn't care where it is, because his dream is to live with his brother. I too, think that's part of a future I can live in.

This future, the future I've put everything on hold for. The future I'm betting my life on.

Tolko, I hope you can see past everything and realize that I'm the best person for any job, and I hope I get a call tomorrow gleefully exclaiming: "Jason! We want you to move up here as soon as you can, all expenses paid, and we've set up a house to rent up there!". I hope to get to know the people, the politics, everything there is to know about The Pas. I hope to watch my brother play a cooperative game with me in our back yard, in a town in the middle of nowhere that makes paper. I hope to take these same hands, which shocked the KPDSB computer staff and later on built the Power Destructitron X, these hand which saved enough money for 2 college bids, these hands which have done nothing but prepare for the future, change the way Tolko does business, by making their plant the picture of perfection that others hope to attain.

I have great hopes. Today, all I need is a phone call. If there's nothing by Friday, I'll know that it's time to start hoping elsewhere.

It's 11:00 at night. I need to be up at 6am for work tomorrow.

For the third time this month, the fire alarm is going off.

I used to worry about being in a burning building, but that's all gone now. Why? Because these alarms, which invariably happen in the middle of the bleeding night, are all false alarms. Even in that case, if I was truly in any danger in the event of a fatal fire, I might be compelled to join the block party which forms in the middle of the night outside. Thing is, I'm on the 1/2th floor. All I have to do is dive through my window, and I'm on solid ground. The fire can literally be engulfing my room, and I'll STILL be able to escape with most of my posessions intact.

Now protecting said posessions from the aforementioned classy hordes? That's another story. I'm good, but I'm probably not THAT good.

Anyway, I've added a couple new user pics. This post has my spooky middle of the night pic, which shows my ugly mug after 2 years of instrumentation. I've also uploaded one of my favourite pictures, me and my liptaks. Why do I love that picture? Because my hair looks cool, and I don't look like too much of a jackass. I can't say the same for this picture, which conjures to mind other images of a guy awake far too late.

I can't write forever, because I have work tomorrow morning, but I would like to write a bit more. Nobody to stop me, right?

So today, on June 12, I finally got my first sunburn and my first suntan. That's right, we've had almost constant beautiful weather for months now, and it's only now that I get any form of sun. I suppose it's just a reminder that the Power Destructitron X didn't form from the ether. I wouldn't have any reason to be proud if that was the case, so I prefer getting a sunburn now.

Today at work, I started cleaning the lot. Naturally, I'm not saying this without reason. While sweeping the pavement, I got to thinking about the nature of an ideal worker. I came to realize that this is another excellent place to use an analogy to war. They have a tendancy to pop up now and then. A good worker is like a good soldier, and a good soldier is to his general as is his right hand: You needn't ask your hand twice to do what you've asked. You needn't worry about whether the hand will make it there. When you fall, you hand will instinctively move forward to protect you. In the same way, a general should be able to dictate strategy, and the ideal soldier will ensure the objectives are met to the letter. Furthermore, an ideal soldier will, given the opportunity, advance the cause of the war such that the general sees benefit without ever recognising what has taken place.

the ideal worker is the same. An owner, manager, or supervisor should never have to ask for a job to be done twice. He or she should never have to worry about whether the job will get done. Finally, the manager should see tangible benefits from employing the ideal worker beyond the scope of orders.

I tried today to take this a step further: Where I was asked to tidy the lot, I instead got on my hands and knees and destroyed entire ecosystems to return the lot to an unblemished state. I spent 7 hours straight in the sun, guzzing waters to keep my temperature down and dripping sweat. The result? The first half of the task completed beyond flawlessly. The second half is itself half-way done. With luck, by the time I've completed the task tomorrow, the difference between the old state and the new state should be tangible, and the difference between a half-complete job and a fully 110% complete job will be absolutely clear. One of the reasons I'm taking this job so seriously is that the owner told me to: Apparantly a very important vehicle will be on display Thursday, and all the important people will be there. By doing my very best, I can help advance him, and in doing so, become more invaluable as an employee.

There's also the little matter that I love the work. Bringing order to a chaotic system is one of the perks of my career. My career, however, hasn't started yet (I hope I get a positive response from The Pas, so I can fight for a future there, and show just what that can mean). In the meantime, I can bring order to this chaotic system, removing the weeds, garbage, and dirt from the parking lot, and leaving a pristine 90 degree angle along the curbs where there was once a massive accumulation of dirt and plant life.

In the end, no matter how much I make sure I put my whole effort into this job, and no matter how much I decide that I will enjoy the work even if it kills me, it remains a minimum wage paying gas station attendant job. This isn't part of the life I've been fighting for, this is just a derivative element in the control scheme that is my life: It ensures that, whichever direction I end up going, the rate of change is limited. I won't be going bankrupt tomorrow, but neither will I be spending the whole day looking for work.

That's actually another interesting thing I realized today: The PID controller can be seen as a metaphor for life. Proportional band is the most important, it is where you attack the the things reducing your set point happinees below it's optimum level, and it represents actions like going to college to change the rules of the game. The Integral function is the little things we do to try to remain happy, like the people who will go out and drink and do their thing night after night. Those people, like the integral function itself, will chase happiness forever. A person with a good amount of proportional gain to augment the integral, however, will find that their life always seems to be happy. Finally, the derivative band represents the things we do to stop change, or reduce its effects over time. Me working a low paying job despite having an education capable of landing me huge jobs is an example. By wokring, I won't change into a homeless guy. However, I also won't change into a millionaire overnight either. This is a nice approximation, and looking at the world, I wonder if such a philosophy couldn't help people recognise that what they're chasing requires a greater Gp to attain...

I should mention, I definitely need a shave.

It's strange looking at my marks, because they seem to indicate my state at the time, more than my abilities. The first two terms, I was coming into school understanding that this class was tough; I knew that half the people around me wouldn't be around for the second term. Nothing, however, could have prepared me. However, the truth of the matter is that despite my own utter fear of the course, I never had anything to worry about -- that is, nothing except for the fact that I was afraid of the course. I think that probably lost me more marks than any particular test.

After that, the second term began, and the horrorific slaughter that was Basic Electronics 1. Many many many many many hours went into passing that course. After I was slaughtered on the midterm and slaughtered on the practical midterm, I ended up getting an astounding mark on the final (written by someone other than Mrs. Bukoski, the most amazing and dangerous teacher ever) and just barely nicking the 50% mark on that course. The third term was where things finally started to become routine. Despite the occasional drama, things went very well. Naturally, I thought I failed everything before my marks came out.

The next year was a much more stressful endeavor. Moved out of my brothers apartment into an apartment with cats and a new roommate, working weekends, and initially many weekdays, at a job across the city, just to make ends meet. I have no idea how I did so well in school. I suppose, when you've got so much going on, you don't have the ability to be lazy. In this term, I finally pushed my GPA up above 3.0, despite the few low marks I'd come out with over the course of the year and a third. After that, the dreaded term report term came up. This term was, to be frank, absolutely and completely sixes and sevens. I was working every weekend, and up for days straight at times, between working on school and working on my term report (which hit 80 pages!). At that time, I realized that it woudln't be possible to work and go to school at the same time without hurting myself irreperably. I temporarily quit my job, vowing to come back when I had graduated. After about a half a term recovering from Term 2, I was back on track: My assignments were complete, my term project was one of the most impressive and elabourate of the year, seconded in my opinion only by Brocks weather station, which, while superbly impressive, didn't actually function at the end.

It took many many many hours in the lab to complete that thing. It ended up taking a life of its own, being named the "Power Destructitron X" because that name was entirely inappropriate for the function the device performs. Obviously, I was beginning to realize something else: When you work as hard as the Instrumentation crew, and everyone knows it, you can get away with blowing off some steam once in a while by naming your project the "Power Destructitron X".

And now I'm graduated, as you can see below. That 3.0 cumulative GPA represents some amazing highs and crushing lows. I'm sad that it's over, I'm glad that it's over. And now, I can't wait for the future where I get to become a professional Instrumentation Engineering Technologist.

It's hard to deal with shyness. Except in those few situations, I'm fine, not really shy at all. When I'm in those few situations, however, my brain freezes up and it takes everything I've got just to make it through. I can only imagine it's the vestiges from my years in School. There, you can't turn your head the wrong way without getting some crippling verbal smackdown. After I entered the working world, however, things changed a LOT. We're all in the workplace together, we all just want to be able to do our jobs and go home at the end of the day, and as a result, for stuff for my job, things work out great. I can be friendly and outgoing and such, I guess during presentations and during job interviews, that other stuff just comes right back -- defense mechanisms and all.

LIving on my own, ironically, has made things worse in some ways. I hide in my room, day after day, to ensure that I haven't somehow upset the fragile ecosystem of the apartment such that I'll end up with some drama on my hands.

I was am already fairly independant. I travel where I need to under my own power, and I (mostly) get the things I need done taken care of more or less under my own power. I actually think that independance has made it worse. The more I accomplish on my own, and the less I need other people, the more I end up folding in on myself.

The winter of my life isn't over yet. It's only when I have acquired a life from all the work I've spent these years doing that the spring can begin.

"Fuck...fuck you, open the door. Fuck you open the door. I'll fuck you up. I'll fuck you up... FUCK HIM! I'LL FUCK HIM UP! FUCK HIM!"

Oh great, more class...

"He hit me! He hit me and my mother let him stay in our house. My mother let him stay in our basement!"

Now I'm the one with no class.

You know, I hate having a window on the ground floor. I don't want to hear it, but I do.

You know, I might just make it through all this after all. In fact, my future may be here, and I'm so excited I could burst at the seams.

Why would I say say such an out of character thing? After 2 years, I'm finally getting out. A job interview awaits, for something that might as well be my dream job. I get to have everything: The countryside, the money, the career... As long as I can make it through this interview, and they seem pretty exctatic about me...

The fear had consumed me, and I knew not how to continue. My resources were running out quickly, and my costs were mounting just as quickly.

But then I realized: It was almost June. I need only to wait for that island of capital, and I will finally have the pittiance I need to stop eating beef broth and stolen bread.

But now I realize that some of my onlookers, those who are amazed by what I do, simply don't know about the cost. Nobody needs to worry about me, because I worry about myself. What a sick world we live in where that's something to be admired.

You know, my existance is awfully internalized sometimes. I can really be said that I live inside myself. It's just a natural consequence of this hikikomori state. I'm always either in the lab or at home getting ready to go to the lab, and while I'm those places, I speak to people, but I never really interact with them the same way some people interact with their world.

That really bothers me. Living within myself is a way to stay alive, but it's a difficult way to actually live. In fact, I'd say it's a route to an easy death, sometimes.

On the other hand, just because I live an internalized life doesn't mean others do. It seems that my life has inspired others...

What a ridiculous concept; Someone with a life as pathetic as this shouldn't be admired. Just fighting for a future shouldn't be something exceptional. Honestly, when a student in a community college with a 2.8 GPA is some sort of role model, what has happened to our world? We're all fighting to live, after all. What makes a person enviable for fighting to achieve a future with a bit more to look forward to?