Sanity

So the future has been decided.

The longest 24 hours in my life passed between the moment I sent the e-mail inquiring about my future and the moment sitting there in that office hearing the verdict delivered. Every time I heard footsteps, I thought it might be news about my future. Every time I heard someone speak, it seemed laced with the taunting uncertainty of the answer I had yet to recieve.

But long after I had figured the man in charge had went home, after I had resigned myself to another 16 hours of uncertainty, the phone rang. It was a freind of mine, hoping to get me all riled up. He was suprised I hadn't heard back yet. The conversation ended and the phone rang again. This time it was the man in charge, asking me into his office.

As I walked towards the stairs, then down them, then through to the office door, and through the offices on the way to the man in charge, I girded my heart for failure. "I don't need to stay here", I said to myself. "There are jobs elsewhere; I could become an apprentice in a mine. There are mines nearby. I could even move to Alberta. Lots of work there, now that I have two months of experience, I might stand a chance of showing up on some HR reps radar."

Thus it was with steeled guts and a forced apathetic mind that I stepped into the office.

Result? Looks like I'm here to stay. My sanity can finally take a rest.

Now it's time for a new beginning; the end of this age, the beginning of the next. Whereas before I was fighting for a future, now I fight for the present.

And this concludes this blog.

30 left; 30 tiny days before my contract here finishes. 30 short, golden days.

After that, I don't yet know what's going to happen. Will I have a home? Will I have a secure future? I think I'm going to try to find out tomorrow.

If I do have a future, than this will be the end of the battle to maintain my sanity; I will have achieved the future I've been fighting for, and it will be time to move on, beyond this fight, to figuring out how a person should live in this golden future.

My hopes; my dreams; my worries; my nightmares; They don't go away because I find a place to call home. If anything, for the first time, I'm forced to confront them, to look at myself and ask frankly what it is that I truly value, and how I can get those things.

I wonder if the things I value will end up being the same things I've always valued, or if freedom will change me. I wonder if I'll find that without a battle to fight, I become another mini-human, like the ones I despise right now. I wonder if I have the strength of will to fight a little longer and achieve true freedom by becoming debt-free.

All these questions will remain rhetorical, however, until I discover whether I have found a place to call home, and a place to finally lay my head. If I'm not staying here, then this is destined to be just another, slightly more painful than usual transition among transitions.

Now that my future isn't on the line in a literal and long-term sense like it was in college, I won't beg and plead as I have in the past around exam times. That small dignity I afford myself won't change the fact that I want to stay here.

Interesting post about cell phones on waterrant.

This guy is fun to read, and though I can tell you with some degree of certainty that he changes the story to make himself look classier than he could possibly be, his stories tend to have quite an aura of human truth. This one is no real exception. All simple common sense things, the same sort of "don't be a dick" mentality that helps the world go 'round.

The problem is in the comments. Some people need a reality check -- While damning people on cell-phones as self-centered, all the dirty laundry comes out. "I'm important! More important than your mother or wife or brother or sister you're talking to! Pay attention to me!". It's really painful to watch. One person claims to hang up on anyone with a less than perfect cell connection -- that's classy, because they're totally calling you to spite you anyway. Another tells of a freind who installed a phone jammer which kills peoples calls -- I'm glad you think you're so important. Yet another claims -- and I'm not making this up -- to try to run drivers on cell phones off the road! Then comes story after story from disgruntled service workers who think it's their god-given right to the undivided attention of every single customer -- sorry, I've worked as a cashier, know your role as a simple facilitator of transactions.

That's not to say I'm one of those pricks who goes through cell phone calls during all sorts of things. I'm not. In fact, the most strenuous workout my phone gets is on Sunday, when I hang out in front of the Laundromat and call my family because I'm stuck waiting for the clothes to dry. I got seventeen consecutive dirty looks from some random woman for doing THAT. Imagine that for a second -- I'm standing on the sidewalk, minding my own business having a rather benign conversation with my mother, and I'm getting nasty look after nasty look from this woman! She didn't stop until she got well out of glaring range!

Here's a lesson to live by: Don't be a self-centered, presumptuous, self righteous prick. I don't care if you're on a cell phone or not, I don't care what you're doing -- It's none of my business until the nanosecond you make it mine. Standing out of the way on a sidewalk or in a public store or even sitting on a bus or in a resturaunt, no harm is being done. Grow up.

Every small step in the right direction makes me feel a little better.

On the first day, Man found for himself a place to live, and it was good.
On the second day, Man found for himself a way to move where he needed to, and it was good.
On the third day, Man found for himself great resources, from which he could mould a future, and it was good.
On the fourth day, Man toiled for the final time as a slave, and it was good.
On the fifth day, Man made the final preperations for a future, and it was good.
On the sixth day, Man returned the implements of his Freedom, and it was good.
On the seventh day, Man rested, as he moved forward into a future.

I was contemplating how to derive an ethical system from first principles today.

It's a difficult proposition, but I got a few ideas from it, mostly that any ethical system derived from first principles wouldn't have much similarity to Judeo-Christian ethics.

For example, instead of "You ought not to steal", the ethic becomes "You ought not to steal in a way that will negatively affect you".

This actually works out better, because the truth is that by living in a first world nation, we've inherited too many unethical systems for the judeo-christian system to stand. Every country has some genocide or injustice to account for in the past, and western society actually depends explicitly on the exploitation and murder of people around the world to maintain their standard of living -- far more people die or are living in our subjugation than are supported by the current system, thus standard ethical systems tend to break down when you apply reality to them as well.

However, some things come away much clearer as well. For example, one ought to tell the truth and believe the truth, and seek the truth, because the physical world which holds it doesn't change because of a lie. Thus, one must try to achieve the truth would like, rather than lie to themselves or others about what reality actually is..

Our society's ethic is wanked.

I got a call from Tolko. The door has opened a notch, and I have a future.

A "Summer relief position" has come up. At 22 dollars an hour, the job works out to 22 dollars per hour, and depending on how long I'm there, I could easily cut my debt in two while working there. I could also secure a true future, if I do my best.

Of course I'll do my best. I'm Jason.

It's strange, as I keep working towards a future, I'm finding it easier to use my real name. It's as if The name SJ Zero really is a mask I use so I can feel good about myself, and now that I can finally feel good about myself based on my real world accomplishments, I might slowly lose the need for it altogether. God knows, the silly flame wars I've participated don't really paint me in a terrible light anyway. Maybe someday I'll shed the anonymity altogether.

Back to the job, I'm excited. The money alone is enough to get me excited! (Admittedly, not for a full year, but I'll rectify that with my splendor(Not shown here due to limitations of the medium))I start at 45k/yr -- not bad right out of college, especially considering the upward mobility of that number as I become a more and more useful individual. That's not all though. I get to work in a paper mill, and everything I do helps create something tangible at the end of the day, and leave a lasting impact upon the physical world. Also, The Pas seems like the perfect place for a human like me who has some measure of despise for the city -- What surrounds the city is nothing but trees and lakes and all those things I've forgotten exist naturally during my time in this city. Anyway, I should be able to fight once more and attain a future somehow -- hopefully by showing them that I'm simply an invaluable investment, but it's also fine if I simply work so hard and so well that they have no choice but to give me glowing references for wherever I roam. I'd prefer the former, naturally. I have a feeling deep in my gut that they're aiming for the same by hiring me. I hope to show them that their money is not just well spent, but BEST spent on me.

It's ironic: What is the karmic price for this? No Internet or landline phone right now. I'm running out as soon as it gets a bit darker to try to get my phones running again.

Why would I wait until it's darker? I'm badly sunburnt from work. Three straight days of preparing the place for tomorrow, when a big event is taking place. It was a lot of work, but the place has never looked better, in my opinion. Everything that can be washed has been scrubbed, every weed that could be pulled has been yanked and the ground it came from salted. Overall, I'm quite pleased with the transformation.

Actually, I lied -- everything I can take care of in one night is now taken care of. Tomorrow the curtains will be drawn on the second final battle, as I begin preperations for the dawn of a new life. Go me.

I'm now wondering if this situation was really karmic bashlash, or if it was some reward -- being off the internet at least long enough to become prepaered for a new life...

that reminds me. I don't know yet what I'll be doing with my things, but whatever I end up doing with them, I'll need to get more boxes...

The "lost VISA" episode finally reached it's conclusion today, as I unhappily dug up the 180 dollars to get my phone and internet paid back up (Amazing to think-- that's only two months worth of the stuff!). This means that almost everyone but two groups who want money from me for some reason or another are paid up(The government needs theirs sooner rather than later, because I don't feel like losing my license, even if it IS a license not to drive). My first paycheque is all but gone, and I may not get it for another 2 weeks. The sooner the better. I've been trying my best, I've been using all my facilities to keep things up to speed, but my graduation is a bittersweet time. The final dollars of liquid currency I have available have dissappeared, and it's only a few unexpected influxes keeping me from missing something important.

The biggest irony is that I'm missing school for the fact that it did a good job of helping me ignore my deepening situation. After 16 hours in the lab, You'll be lucky to stumble onto the last bus so you don't have to walk the many kilometers home -- I didn't always make it. It's much easier in those cases to not even recognise the outside world. This isn't a problem when you're working -- indeed, not noticing the outside world is a great way to SAVE money, and end up with all your bills paid and a truckload of money in the bank. When you're working super hard day after day, you've got way more money than bills, you're hardly spending anything because all you do is work, and you're actually putting some cash in the bank. I, on the other hand, was spending money the whole time -- allowing a plan I created months and months ago reach it's natural conclusion. In reality, I ended up running out of capital at a time close to where I would have been 'almost' running out of capital if it weren't for that 500 dollar hit after the robbery.

The one nice thing about my current situation is that there isn't THAT much to kill off yet month-to-month. My single largest problem is this month. There are tonnes of different organizations demanding money, and the need to keep enough liquid currency to quench them all is the major problem. In truth, it would take a long long time, but I think I could even start to pay things back at a fairly impressive clip for a guy on minimum wage. Well, I could if I didn't eat, or if I only ate ramen all the time. If things don't look up soon, maybe I'll be forced to start taking that into consideration as my future decides to wait longer and longer to arrive. A phone call or an e-mail from Tolko and all this goes away, and I run off to begin a future.

And they wonder why I was so nervous at the interview! You'd have to be DEAD not to be nervous about something so incredible as the end of wage-slavery, and the beginning of a career which will allow me to take my present and future and direct it on a day to day basis!

My brother also comes into this. He said he wants to come with me. He wasn't lying: He really doesn't care where it is, because his dream is to live with his brother. I too, think that's part of a future I can live in.

This future, the future I've put everything on hold for. The future I'm betting my life on.

Tolko, I hope you can see past everything and realize that I'm the best person for any job, and I hope I get a call tomorrow gleefully exclaiming: "Jason! We want you to move up here as soon as you can, all expenses paid, and we've set up a house to rent up there!". I hope to get to know the people, the politics, everything there is to know about The Pas. I hope to watch my brother play a cooperative game with me in our back yard, in a town in the middle of nowhere that makes paper. I hope to take these same hands, which shocked the KPDSB computer staff and later on built the Power Destructitron X, these hand which saved enough money for 2 college bids, these hands which have done nothing but prepare for the future, change the way Tolko does business, by making their plant the picture of perfection that others hope to attain.

I have great hopes. Today, all I need is a phone call. If there's nothing by Friday, I'll know that it's time to start hoping elsewhere.

I woke up with a start, filled with fear.

I had a dream where Mr. Shirtliffe told us we had another term report to do, and it was due Friday.

It raises an interesting question: Do I want to find an Instrumentation BEFORE or AFTER I get the course out of my system?

It's 11:00 at night. I need to be up at 6am for work tomorrow.

For the third time this month, the fire alarm is going off.

I used to worry about being in a burning building, but that's all gone now. Why? Because these alarms, which invariably happen in the middle of the bleeding night, are all false alarms. Even in that case, if I was truly in any danger in the event of a fatal fire, I might be compelled to join the block party which forms in the middle of the night outside. Thing is, I'm on the 1/2th floor. All I have to do is dive through my window, and I'm on solid ground. The fire can literally be engulfing my room, and I'll STILL be able to escape with most of my posessions intact.

Now protecting said posessions from the aforementioned classy hordes? That's another story. I'm good, but I'm probably not THAT good.

Anyway, I've added a couple new user pics. This post has my spooky middle of the night pic, which shows my ugly mug after 2 years of instrumentation. I've also uploaded one of my favourite pictures, me and my liptaks. Why do I love that picture? Because my hair looks cool, and I don't look like too much of a jackass. I can't say the same for this picture, which conjures to mind other images of a guy awake far too late.

I can't write forever, because I have work tomorrow morning, but I would like to write a bit more. Nobody to stop me, right?

So today, on June 12, I finally got my first sunburn and my first suntan. That's right, we've had almost constant beautiful weather for months now, and it's only now that I get any form of sun. I suppose it's just a reminder that the Power Destructitron X didn't form from the ether. I wouldn't have any reason to be proud if that was the case, so I prefer getting a sunburn now.

Today at work, I started cleaning the lot. Naturally, I'm not saying this without reason. While sweeping the pavement, I got to thinking about the nature of an ideal worker. I came to realize that this is another excellent place to use an analogy to war. They have a tendancy to pop up now and then. A good worker is like a good soldier, and a good soldier is to his general as is his right hand: You needn't ask your hand twice to do what you've asked. You needn't worry about whether the hand will make it there. When you fall, you hand will instinctively move forward to protect you. In the same way, a general should be able to dictate strategy, and the ideal soldier will ensure the objectives are met to the letter. Furthermore, an ideal soldier will, given the opportunity, advance the cause of the war such that the general sees benefit without ever recognising what has taken place.

the ideal worker is the same. An owner, manager, or supervisor should never have to ask for a job to be done twice. He or she should never have to worry about whether the job will get done. Finally, the manager should see tangible benefits from employing the ideal worker beyond the scope of orders.

I tried today to take this a step further: Where I was asked to tidy the lot, I instead got on my hands and knees and destroyed entire ecosystems to return the lot to an unblemished state. I spent 7 hours straight in the sun, guzzing waters to keep my temperature down and dripping sweat. The result? The first half of the task completed beyond flawlessly. The second half is itself half-way done. With luck, by the time I've completed the task tomorrow, the difference between the old state and the new state should be tangible, and the difference between a half-complete job and a fully 110% complete job will be absolutely clear. One of the reasons I'm taking this job so seriously is that the owner told me to: Apparantly a very important vehicle will be on display Thursday, and all the important people will be there. By doing my very best, I can help advance him, and in doing so, become more invaluable as an employee.

There's also the little matter that I love the work. Bringing order to a chaotic system is one of the perks of my career. My career, however, hasn't started yet (I hope I get a positive response from The Pas, so I can fight for a future there, and show just what that can mean). In the meantime, I can bring order to this chaotic system, removing the weeds, garbage, and dirt from the parking lot, and leaving a pristine 90 degree angle along the curbs where there was once a massive accumulation of dirt and plant life.

In the end, no matter how much I make sure I put my whole effort into this job, and no matter how much I decide that I will enjoy the work even if it kills me, it remains a minimum wage paying gas station attendant job. This isn't part of the life I've been fighting for, this is just a derivative element in the control scheme that is my life: It ensures that, whichever direction I end up going, the rate of change is limited. I won't be going bankrupt tomorrow, but neither will I be spending the whole day looking for work.

That's actually another interesting thing I realized today: The PID controller can be seen as a metaphor for life. Proportional band is the most important, it is where you attack the the things reducing your set point happinees below it's optimum level, and it represents actions like going to college to change the rules of the game. The Integral function is the little things we do to try to remain happy, like the people who will go out and drink and do their thing night after night. Those people, like the integral function itself, will chase happiness forever. A person with a good amount of proportional gain to augment the integral, however, will find that their life always seems to be happy. Finally, the derivative band represents the things we do to stop change, or reduce its effects over time. Me working a low paying job despite having an education capable of landing me huge jobs is an example. By wokring, I won't change into a homeless guy. However, I also won't change into a millionaire overnight either. This is a nice approximation, and looking at the world, I wonder if such a philosophy couldn't help people recognise that what they're chasing requires a greater Gp to attain...

I should mention, I definitely need a shave.

It's strange looking at my marks, because they seem to indicate my state at the time, more than my abilities. The first two terms, I was coming into school understanding that this class was tough; I knew that half the people around me wouldn't be around for the second term. Nothing, however, could have prepared me. However, the truth of the matter is that despite my own utter fear of the course, I never had anything to worry about -- that is, nothing except for the fact that I was afraid of the course. I think that probably lost me more marks than any particular test.

After that, the second term began, and the horrorific slaughter that was Basic Electronics 1. Many many many many many hours went into passing that course. After I was slaughtered on the midterm and slaughtered on the practical midterm, I ended up getting an astounding mark on the final (written by someone other than Mrs. Bukoski, the most amazing and dangerous teacher ever) and just barely nicking the 50% mark on that course. The third term was where things finally started to become routine. Despite the occasional drama, things went very well. Naturally, I thought I failed everything before my marks came out.

The next year was a much more stressful endeavor. Moved out of my brothers apartment into an apartment with cats and a new roommate, working weekends, and initially many weekdays, at a job across the city, just to make ends meet. I have no idea how I did so well in school. I suppose, when you've got so much going on, you don't have the ability to be lazy. In this term, I finally pushed my GPA up above 3.0, despite the few low marks I'd come out with over the course of the year and a third. After that, the dreaded term report term came up. This term was, to be frank, absolutely and completely sixes and sevens. I was working every weekend, and up for days straight at times, between working on school and working on my term report (which hit 80 pages!). At that time, I realized that it woudln't be possible to work and go to school at the same time without hurting myself irreperably. I temporarily quit my job, vowing to come back when I had graduated. After about a half a term recovering from Term 2, I was back on track: My assignments were complete, my term project was one of the most impressive and elabourate of the year, seconded in my opinion only by Brocks weather station, which, while superbly impressive, didn't actually function at the end.

It took many many many hours in the lab to complete that thing. It ended up taking a life of its own, being named the "Power Destructitron X" because that name was entirely inappropriate for the function the device performs. Obviously, I was beginning to realize something else: When you work as hard as the Instrumentation crew, and everyone knows it, you can get away with blowing off some steam once in a while by naming your project the "Power Destructitron X".

And now I'm graduated, as you can see below. That 3.0 cumulative GPA represents some amazing highs and crushing lows. I'm sad that it's over, I'm glad that it's over. And now, I can't wait for the future where I get to become a professional Instrumentation Engineering Technologist.

It's hard to deal with shyness. Except in those few situations, I'm fine, not really shy at all. When I'm in those few situations, however, my brain freezes up and it takes everything I've got just to make it through. I can only imagine it's the vestiges from my years in School. There, you can't turn your head the wrong way without getting some crippling verbal smackdown. After I entered the working world, however, things changed a LOT. We're all in the workplace together, we all just want to be able to do our jobs and go home at the end of the day, and as a result, for stuff for my job, things work out great. I can be friendly and outgoing and such, I guess during presentations and during job interviews, that other stuff just comes right back -- defense mechanisms and all.

LIving on my own, ironically, has made things worse in some ways. I hide in my room, day after day, to ensure that I haven't somehow upset the fragile ecosystem of the apartment such that I'll end up with some drama on my hands.

I was am already fairly independant. I travel where I need to under my own power, and I (mostly) get the things I need done taken care of more or less under my own power. I actually think that independance has made it worse. The more I accomplish on my own, and the less I need other people, the more I end up folding in on myself.

The winter of my life isn't over yet. It's only when I have acquired a life from all the work I've spent these years doing that the spring can begin.

In response to This site

You can act like a tyrant all you'd like, but the free remain so. Fair use, something Captain Communism never bothered to tell you about.

"Fuck...fuck you, open the door. Fuck you open the door. I'll fuck you up. I'll fuck you up... FUCK HIM! I'LL FUCK HIM UP! FUCK HIM!"

Oh great, more class...

"He hit me! He hit me and my mother let him stay in our house. My mother let him stay in our basement!"

Now I'm the one with no class.

You know, I hate having a window on the ground floor. I don't want to hear it, but I do.

You know, I might just make it through all this after all. In fact, my future may be here, and I'm so excited I could burst at the seams.

Why would I say say such an out of character thing? After 2 years, I'm finally getting out. A job interview awaits, for something that might as well be my dream job. I get to have everything: The countryside, the money, the career... As long as I can make it through this interview, and they seem pretty exctatic about me...

The fear had consumed me, and I knew not how to continue. My resources were running out quickly, and my costs were mounting just as quickly.

But then I realized: It was almost June. I need only to wait for that island of capital, and I will finally have the pittiance I need to stop eating beef broth and stolen bread.

But now I realize that some of my onlookers, those who are amazed by what I do, simply don't know about the cost. Nobody needs to worry about me, because I worry about myself. What a sick world we live in where that's something to be admired.

You know, my existance is awfully internalized sometimes. I can really be said that I live inside myself. It's just a natural consequence of this hikikomori state. I'm always either in the lab or at home getting ready to go to the lab, and while I'm those places, I speak to people, but I never really interact with them the same way some people interact with their world.

That really bothers me. Living within myself is a way to stay alive, but it's a difficult way to actually live. In fact, I'd say it's a route to an easy death, sometimes.

On the other hand, just because I live an internalized life doesn't mean others do. It seems that my life has inspired others...

What a ridiculous concept; Someone with a life as pathetic as this shouldn't be admired. Just fighting for a future shouldn't be something exceptional. Honestly, when a student in a community college with a 2.8 GPA is some sort of role model, what has happened to our world? We're all fighting to live, after all. What makes a person enviable for fighting to achieve a future with a bit more to look forward to?

It's been so long since I've been this relaxed, I'd forgotten what it feels like.

Last night, I wrote about 1am. After that, I passed out until noon. Typical story, right?

Well, I woke up, watched a couple episodes of Rozen Maiden (I've finished both already, but I *REALLY* like it), and passed out again until my freind came over -- at 6.

That's right, I slept a metric crapload. A metric crapload of sleep is the amount of sleep required to raise a persons energy levels by enough to take one metric tonne of crap without being bothered.

So what do I do after sleeping all that time? You guessed it! Chinese food followed by a 4 hour bike ride!!! ^ ^

You know, sometimes it's hard to remember that we're not actually SUPPOSED to be tired all the time.

Tonight, I'm sitting here, buzzing with wholly artificial pleasure. It's amazing to think that I'm still so easy to please.

I've got a beer in one hand, and I've got Rozen Maiden Traumend splashing across my monitor. This defeats any unhappiness I might have. I'm so simple. It comes in handy sometimes. Times like this especially.

To think the future I've been fighting for all these years. The future I've sacrificed everything on. The future I've wagered my life on. The future I've placed my faith in.

It's a strange thing how scary that is. When something seems so far away, it's easy to place faith in it. It's only when you start to arrive at your destination that things get worrisome.

With this piece of paper, I wonder, and I worry that the world still hasn't changed. Am I any better equipped to get a job than before? That's what this has always been about, after all.

Only monsters treat war like a football game.

Want to "support our troops"? Don't send them off to die in the asshole of the world. I assure you, they'll appreciate being supported in that way far more than all the stupid-ass bumper stickers in the world.

Along the same vein, no, we can't bring them home, unless you're an asshole. A massive asshole. Seriously, what sort of asshole would run into a country, destroy everything in it, invite all the dickheads who hate you to come blow things up, then leave because it's inconvenient for you to stabilize the reigon?

We need a lot more honour and morality in the world. If you think our leaders have either, you're a hilariously misguided person. who also happens to be incorrect.